Fri, 6 Apr 2012 5:16:41

But did I end up making things worse?

Sometimes I feel like you deserve better and I'm sorry that I'm not. But I love you. I'd do so much for you. To keep you happy. To make you happy.

Actually, I don't. But I have a photo of me wearing one.

That counts, right?

Are we going to be okay?

This is the first time I've thought we haven't.

I haven't posted here in so long because almost everything in my life just seems... Perfect. For once, life seems perfect. All except one thing. So I'm here to get some things off my chest.

You're my best friend. I know you think it's stupid and I'll just end up getting hurt, but she makes me happy. Right now, I'm happier than I've ever been. Why can't you just let me stay happy? The one thing that makes me s happy may have just gone to Darwin from Adelaide, and the chances of us seeing each other often are incredibly low. Here's the thing... 22 days. 22 days until I see her.

22 days. I've never been more excited for anything in my life. 22 days and I fly up to see her. I get to see her, I get to go to her formal, I get to hold her, kiss her, be with her. I know it might seem like an over statement, but I honestly think in 3 weeks I will be starting the best weekend of my life.

I can't wait. You said you'd be happy for me, and then something happened. What happened? We were fine one minute, and you were ready to support me, but then you turned around and spat it back in my face. I mean... What the hell?

Yes I can be an idiot, and yes, I tend to say things that annoy you or upset you, but you're still my best friend. But rather than supporting me, you pointed out how your old best friend couldn't do it. "And when he really wanted to hold her and kiss her, he couldn't so he cheated on her and it completely destroyed him". That may be true, but I'm not going to do that. Her smile, her laugh, her sneeze. Her squeaks. Everything about her makes me so incredibly happy.

I know you don't think I can do it. Your words: "if an extremely hot girl came up to you and wanted to have sex with you, you wouldn't be able to resist". I could. First off: No "extremely" hot girls are going to come up to me for sex. It's not going to happen. Ever. So you challenged that. "What if I came up to you, drunk and horny?" What would happen? I'd tell you to take care of it yourself. At the time you asked, you had an unnofficial boyfriend. He's now your official boyfriend. I helped make that happen. I helped you be with someone else, because you matter to me. You're my best friend. I watched you cheat on him, Twice. I heard how little you cared, and then you tell me you can't lose him because you love him. Not hearing from him for a day freaks you out. You get terrified. I'm the same with her. I freak out when I don't hear from her for a day. 

I'm not going to cheat on her. I'm going to do everything I can to make this work. Because I love her. And I want to make it work. I hope she feels the same.

This morning on the train, I was listening to my music. As I travelled past Springvale at the unreasonable hours of the morning, once again, I was afraid of seeing Linh.

But then i asked myself "Why?" Why does she scare me so? Why do I let her scare me?

If I ever ran into her again, I would have something very important to say.

"What you did to me was unfair. I should never have let it get to that. And i don't want to be your friend again. Looking back on myself since I cut you out, I was unhappy for a little while. But without you, I am happy. I'm the happiest I've ever been. Why should I compromise that for anyone but myself? Especially you."

I thought of this on the train.

-----

I'm in class now.

Guess I better start researching.

Yay?

I know she's okay, and she just doesn't want to go on MSN, but I still worry.

I miss her.

I dreamt of Shannyn. Nothing sexual, she was just there. Sitting on my couch, with one of my sister's friends, watching TV. I was terrified. Nervous. But I spoke to her. There was no awkwardness, no fear in my voice. As soon as I got the first words out, all my fears washed away. Listening to her voice from next to me, on my couch made me feel much better. There was much more to the dream, but that was the most significant.

I guess she really is the woman of my dreams.

Of all the friends I've made so far, I'm glad I hang out with the ones I do. In case of emergency "I'll pull a stop sign out of the ground and impale ***** on it." (***** may be substituted for any possible monster, zombie or demon that happens to attack us while at school) This particular group, consisting of the token blonde girl, the 3 FPS nuts, the 1 Halo pro gamer, and 2 RPG scrubs will prove useful during a zombie apocalypse.

It's going to be a very good year.

Here I was prepared to link the first image I found after searching "Fantastic" in google images, and I realised I had no idea how to properly make an image appear as an image on here. Has it really been that long? I guess it has.

Instead, I decided to find an old post with an image, and just change the source code, so it would all work.

I went back too far.

Back to my very first blog.

The good old days, where Linh hadn't ditched me for a bunch of randoms, talking to Linh about how terrified of talking to I was Shannyn.

Terrified of scaring her off, saying something I'd regret, doing something stupid. Knowing I how felt with her, but being so unsure of myself.

Situations have changed. I can get drunk now. But that's not all. I'd like to think I'm more mature. Have more life experience.

I can talk to other people about Shannyn, though it's not the same as it was once. Not nearly the same.

Reading through old blogposts is probably the last thing I want to do know. I'm much better than I was. No longer depressed. I drop sometimes, but it's not nearly as frequent, or as severe.

I don't want to go back there.

College starts tomorrow. I have absolutely no idea what's happening, when I start, anything. 40 hours of study, per week. 10 per subject. 16 assessments over each 12 week trimester. It's going to be a lot of work. Fun, but hard.

*insert sexual innuendo signoff*